Just recently, my piano teacher told me that she was really nervous for me. I don’t really know how we got into a really deep conversation but regardless, she said that to me. She said that she was scared for me when I was in grade 11. No one knew what happened or how I truly felt when I was in grade 11 besides me, not even my parents. Sure, they know what happened but they didn’t know the gist of it.
Looking back at it, I can brutally tell you that I was in a really dark place. I didn’t just feel lost but I felt like there wasn’t any purpose of living. (Dark and twisted) I wasn’t just depressed or upset about the things that happened to me or even the things I’ve done but it was much more. I just felt like everything was constantly changing and I couldn’t keep up with it. I was lonely and I didn’t feel like it was right for me to open up my thoughts and my feelings. I withdrew myself from communicating with others and remained silent. I just wanted to sleep the whole day and never wake up. There was so much going on that I was just tired of it and didn't want to do it anymore. It was bad and thinking about what happened to me that time is sometimes scary for me. It was definitely my lowest point of my life.
But I got through it and I don’t regret experiencing it because I’ve learned a lot from it. I’ve realized that bottling up my emotions and feelings were unhealthy for me and that it’s important to voice it to the people you trust. Here’s the thing, during that time, I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone because I did some horrible and shameful things even till this day, I regret very much (no I didn’t kill anyone or bully anyone or some next level crime LOL). I felt like if I were to talk to someone about it and how I was actually feeling, they would judge me and think that I’m too far gone to be helped. I was scared of asking for help even though I knew I needed it.
No one is perfect and it’s okay if you make mistakes sometimes but never ever feel that you can’t ask for help. I think one of the reasons why people are afraid to make mistakes or talk about it is that our society puts a lens in front of us, making us think that mistakes are for the weak and that once we make a mistake, there’s no way back. You’re prejudged from your mistakes and that’s not true. There’s a saying from a book I read long time ago and it was “once a cheater, always a cheater”. It’s completely not true because we change whether you believe it or acknowledge it or not. We change and develop as human beings. What makes us so unique from other organisms is that we are so complex and diverse. Our minds are the most unique part of the human body. I think it’s hard for ourselves to accept mistakes and failure. At least, for me, it was hard to accept that (even now). Whenever I made a mistake or felt that I failed in my school work or life in general, I felt like “that’s the end for me” and there’s no turning back around. Well the truth is some mistakes you make can make a huge effect on you and your future but, it won’t end you. Yes, you’ll be effected but you grow out of it. You can only grow from your mistakes and your failures. Everyone experiences failures and make mistakes. It’s like when you first learned how to walk, you can’t just walk, you probably fell a few times before actually walking. More bluntly to say, you can’t get lower than your lowest, you can only go up from there.
There are still times where I feel so frustrated with myself or feel so annoyed in general. Do you ever have those moments where you’re like “holy flipping shit, why can’t things just go in my way?” I’ve been having those moments lately. Maybe because I was on my period or maybe not?? Maybe I was just stressed in general because it’s exam season?? Or maybe I really just don’t like Charles right now. As of this moment, Charles is someone I really don’t like because it’s the only class that’s bringing down my average. Don’t get me wrong, I’m passing and all but it’s not the best grade. I’m trying my best but it seems like my best is not enough. I’m so frustrated with this class but I can’t drop it because I’ll lose my money and I ain’t gonna lose my money for some random elective that I have to take. What makes it worse is that it’s a saturday class. I could be relaxing and just chilling around on saturdays but I can’t because I have a Charles class. Here’s how I am going to look at it: I’m going to try my best and stop thinking about it too much because at the end of the day, no one can get mad at me for trying my best, not even myself. I know it’s absolutely hard to think like that but what can you do when you’re already trying your best? Nothing because you’ve reached your maximum, your potential. It’s okay if you ain't doing well in some of your classes but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your best like my friend said once, “Try your best and let God do the rest”. I can’t control how Charles going to mark my tests or paper but all I know is that as long as I try my best and do what I can then that is enough. If I end up not getting the mark I want, I’m not going to beat myself up. My other friend also told me this when I told him I was stressed about getting my french grammar exam back, “it’s not about the mark, it’s about what you’ve learned in the class.” There are times we forget about that because our society puts this mirror in front of us, saying our marks define us, our future and who we are. That’s not the case, everyone’s potential is different. We all excel at something but we all suck at something. Find what you’re good at and embrace it but also embrace your imperfections. Feel proud of yourself and give yourself some credit, because we all deserve some credits sometimes. Don’t feel down because of your imperfections, but use them to motivate you to improve and develop more as a person.
“The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one” -Malcolm Forbes
Lots of love,
Heidi 💜💜
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