Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I continued dance. There are times where I miss it a lot. It’s a part of me, something that no one can take away. I miss feeling sore, I miss cracking my body and getting cramps, I even miss getting yelled at by my teacher every single class.
Dance taught me a lot of things. I’ve had highs and lows but, mostly lows LOL. I don’t dance now, not even with my friends because when I start to dance, I will definitely regret stopping dance classes. I don’t dance now because I know I won’t be able to let it go. Dance is another strong relationship that I have. I’ve been so committed it for like 14 years of my life that sometimes, I wish I continued the relationship. But I couldn’t. I’ve reached my potential with this relationship. I don’t have the physic for a dancer. Sure, I have long arms and legs and even the overall shape of a dancer (short upper body and long lower body) but I don’t have the skills to go up. I’m not flexible and I don’t have an arch and my back sucks. The amount of time I’ve complained my back hurts throughout my whole dance career is one too many times. My body is very hard and dense. That means I’m unable to move with ease with making it look easy. I don’t have the fluidity. I mean I try but it takes double the effort. I struggled a lot when I took dance classes. With the disadvantage of a bad back, lack of flexibility and arch, it is extremely hard to do certain things. It’s hard for me to kick my leg high with ease and smooth. Those three things that I absolutely suck at are the fundamentals of ballet and dance in general. You need to have those to become a good dancer. Unfortunately, I just don’t. I use to have mental breakdowns after class, beating myself up and constantly asking myself, “why can’t I just do this? Why is it so easy for others but so hard for me?” It was hard but from it , I’ve learned that working hard doesn’t mean you’ll always achieve what you want. I danced because I have a strong passion for it. I danced because it’s something that keeps me motivated. I danced because I love the feeling after a good dance class. I danced because it’s part of me. I danced because without it, I’m not myself. Yes, I know I can’t dance like others but to me, it didn’t matter. If my best is that much, then I’m going to do my best. I love dancing to the max of the music, meaning really utilize the music to my best of my ability. Dance and music interconnects with each other. Without music, you still need to have this rhythm in your body.
The journey as a dancer has sadly came to an end but it will be there forever and always. I’ve learned to let go and to move forward. I might not be a dancer anymore but I’m a dancer at heart. Remember, life is too short to look back and hold to the things you know can’t hold onto anymore. Just let go.
So now what?
Even though I don’t dance anymore, I still secretly dance around the house. One thing I really like to do is dance while studying. Apparently, when you move around when you study, it’s easier to get information in your head. I don’t know if that’s completely true but I do dance around a lot. I do hope one day I can take dance classes again. For fun though. haha
Lots of Love,
Heidi 💜💜
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