Is it wrong to wish for your parents to divorce? I mean it’s very evident that they are two complete opposites. The constant fighting and arguing is just getting old, like how long does it take for you guys to realize that this isn’t working? Why stay together when we all know that this marriage is tearing everyone apart? I question that every single day. When I was little, whenever they would argue, I would always pray for them to stop and that they wouldn’t get a divorce. But when I first started high school, I realized there is no hope for them. I wasn’t sad about the fact that I knew they were incompatible. What made me feel upset is that they are avoiding the problem. I can’t stand it and I can sense that both of them feel miserable and they are just afraid to admit it. Maybe? Regardless, knowing the fact that they are not meant for each other made the thought of love feel so hopeless. I think that’s one of the reason why I don’t know how to love myself. I’m scared and secretly, I’m a hopeless romantic. I love reading and watching romantic novels that have happy endings. It keeps me on my feet, thinking that maybe there’s still hope for love (even though the chances are low). Some might tell me “God will always love you” but how do you know? I mean clearly, my parents’ relationship is not working out and it is probably going to end badly so what’s the point of believing in love when I know that it could possibly end like my parents’ relationship? I question it day by day. Sometimes, I want to feel loved but sometimes, I don’t because I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll be upset and regret the chances that I could possibly take with this “love”. That’s why whenever someone ask me if I want to get married and have kids, I would always “no because I want to live by myself and backpack across the world.”
In a way, it’s kind of ironic because I’m studying to become a teacher. Whenever I think about the word “teacher”, I think of rainbows and sunshine for some reason or the fact they are happily married with kids. It may seem kind of bias but I think teachers are always cheerful and positive. I’m not exactly a positive person, maybe towards others, yes I’m positive but to myself, I’m not. I’m more of a logical and realistic type of person. I use theories and proof to think about the possible outcome. I don’t want to imagine or give a random guess what would happen. I’m trying to find a balance between the two. I think it’s important to be uptight and to also go with the flow. I’ll admit, I still have some trouble with the whole concept of “going with the flow”. I don’t like the feeling of not having control of the process and the outcome. That’s what the idea of “love” makes me feel. I feel like I wouldn’t have control of it because I can’t control how the other person may feel about me.
I think “love” has a strong relation with the concept of total utility and marginal utility (microeconomics terms). Total utility refers to the total satisfaction (your preferences) received by the consumer from consuming different units of all goods and services which in this case, it’s refer to your “other half” or the person you’re interested in. Marginal utility is the change in total utility that results from a one-unit increase in the quantity of a good consumed so in other words, the progression of your relationship or the counting years you’ve been together. Total utility is always a positive slope but the marginal utility diminishes. So the more you consume, the less interested you are which makes the curve to become flatter. The consumption increases the total utility but your marginal utility derived from each additional unit declines. You can say you love the person as many times as you want but as the years go by, are you able to love the person the same way/amount as the first year of your relationship with them? What are the chances to maintain the same amount interest throughout the entire relationship from marriage to death? It’s like saying your favourite food right now is pizza but the more you consume it, the quicker you lose interest. That’s the truth which is interesting. As humans, we are so easily bored and tired of the same old boring thing. How does one maintain the same lovey dovey relationship for their whole entire life? I wish I can say that I believe it’s possible but honestly, I don’t. It sounds as if I’ve given up on the idea of a possible relationship but I don’t want to invest in something that wouldn’t have the best possible outcome.
A relationship is between you and the other person. It doesn’t matter how much effort you put in because if the other person doesn’t put in the same effort as you do then it still wouldn’t work out. The both of you have to put in the same amount of effort and passion in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Maintaining is the hardest part and that’s the challenge. Are you ready to take on that challenge when you’re married or fully committed to that person? Are you willing to love unconditionally forever and always? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t argue or have small fights because any relationship have ups and downs. What I’m saying is are you willing to fight through those fights and look past them and still love them unconditionally? We are all selfish in our own way and even if we love that person, how much are you willing to sacrifice for them? And is it worth the sacrifice? So many unanswered questions about love and so much commitment (not saying I’m not committed). To those who have a strong relationship, I praise you guys and I’m so happy for you, but to those who don’t, don’t feel like it’s the end of the world. I always say it’s a miracle when you find someone you like and they like you back. It’s a miracle because there are so many people in this world and the chances of finding your perfect match is so slim (if you just take the time and think about it). We can have small crushes or be interested in someone but those are just little sparks.
Love is such a complex topic that I can go on and on about it using facts and statistics but remember, there is no definite answer about love. You and your person is the answer. It’s how you and your person want your conclusion to be, happy or sad. You guys are the ones who can either make it work or just give up the whole thing. Of course, if you guys choose to give up, it does not mean that it’s a fail because not all relationships work out. It just means that that person is not your person. Just like how Christina and Meredith from Grey’s anatomy always say, “you’re my person”. Doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship, it could be any kind of relationship. At the end of your life or throughout your whole entire life, your person might change or you might have more than one person and it’s totally fine. We live in a world that is constantly changing whether it’s positive or negative, IT’S ALWAYS CHANGING. It’s how we deal with these changes and that’s up to you how you want to act.
But remember, learn to love yourself first before loving others. You cannot love others if you can’t love yourself.
“Love as much as possible, especially yourself”
Lots of Love,
Heidi 💜💜
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