When did I start to count? Why did I start to count? The truth is I don’t even know. I’ve danced for the majority of my life and it is my passion. I went to the studio 4 times a week and danced around 12 hours a week all year long. Not only did I dance, but I also skated. I don’t exactly have the same passion for skating like I do for dance but I do enjoy it very much. I skated twice a week for an hour and a half each session. That’s a total of 15 hours of physical activity not including the warmups. How many calories did I burn? I’m not sure. I’ve never counted either. Before grade 11, I was in my best physical shape. I trained hard during the summer of grade 10 and I felt good. I came to the studio almost every single day that summer. I was dedicated and I pushed myself beyond my limits. The training, the sweating and the soreness made me feel like I was home because it was part of me.
But it all ended.
I stopped skating first then dance. I didn’t go to the studio as often during those times. I went around 3 times a week, dancing for 6 hours. I didn’t have to train as hard and I didn’t have the time to go to the studio and train. I lost the shape and the feeling. I started to stress eat because of grade 11. I was stressed and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t realize how much weight I gained until the end of grade 11 when one of my dance teachers noticed it. It was then I started to notice and other people started to notice as well. I didn’t want to admit that I got heavier and my shape got worst because I knew they were right and I didn’t want to feel insecure about my own body. I’ve always preached about loving your own body and to be proud of how you look. It’s not about how you look on the outside but who you are in the inside. Well, I started to care more how I looked. I started to notice the big changes in my body like how my thighs can touch each other now and how my waist is wider or the fact that I have a tummy. I would wear baggy clothes and dark clothes to hide my insecurities. I wasn’t as lean as before and my muscles were nonexistent, I felt horrible.
So in grade 12, I started to counting my calories and I changed my diet. I felt it was necessary. If I couldn’t exercise like before, the least I could do is watch what I eat. It was difficult because I was a huge snacker and it’s not the healthy snacks either. I downloaded an app and tracked all the things I ate each day and realized how hard it is to eat lower than 1000 calories each day. I started to pick and choose. I started to read the nutrition facts for how much calories is in it, not even for the actual nutrients. I stopped packing a lunch and packed just 3-4 snacks that were under 150 calories. I made sure that I ate lower than 500 calories before coming home from school. I definitely made sure I ate lower 1000 calories each day. I was obsessed with calorie counting app. It was my new obsession and I felt the need to use it every single day. Not only did I use that app, but I also searched up for other ways to regulate my diet so that I could hold off my temptation to eat. In a way, I was finding ways to starve myself but not actually starve myself. For example, I drank a huge glass of water before dinner because the website told me that if you drink a huge glass water before consuming food, you would feel bloated and full. That way, you don’t eat as much. I mean of course, I went to the bathroom a lot but to me, that time, it was worth it. I wanted to be skinny again. I wanted to feel good about myself and feel good in what I wear. Another method is to keep yourself busy and occupied which was absolutely perfect. I was busy with school work and catching up my grades that I didn’t have the time to feel hungry. I also managed when I should eat and the portion size of it. The key was to have a good portion size and to realize how much you’re eating that certain type of food. At first, I didn’t have cheat days. I tried my best to cut off any carb related food so like rice and bread. I didn’t feel it was right to eat carbs. In fact, I felt like I would ruin the whole diet thing if I did.
I didn’t go to prom because of this. I know it might sound stupid but it felt like there was a little demon inside of my head saying all these negative comments about me. I felt really insecure about myself. I didn’t want to go dress shopping because I was afraid of looking myself in the mirror. I was afraid that I would feel worse than before entering the store. I was afraid that I would lose whatever is left of my confidence about myself. I was scared and i was insecure.
I don’t like hugs either because of this. Right, another stupid thing but I just don’t feel comfortable. I don’t like the feeling of someone hugging me. It doesn’t give me warmth or any positive energy instead, it makes me feel uneasy and insecure. It makes me feel very self-conscious about how I physically look.
During this whole process, I didn’t feel any different, both physically and mentally. I didn’t feel like I got skinnier and I wasn’t upset or depressed. It was around May of this year when someone noticed I got skinnier. My first reaction was “wow I actually did it but why do I still not feel good about myself? Why do I still feel ugly wearing certain clothes?” The truth is it doesn’t matter how much weight I lost or how I fit into smaller sizes now because I’m not comfortable with my body. Even right now, I’m still not. It takes time. You might ask “how do you love your own body?” I’m not sure yet. I’m trying to figure that out as well. Acceptance is an important aspect but there’s a difference between accepting yourself and loving yourself. Right now, I’m struggling to love myself because I can only see how flawed I am. It is not that I’m not ready to love myself but I just don’t know how to love myself just yet.
“Love as much as possible, especially yourself”
Lots of Love,
Heidi 💜💜
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