“Is the glass half empty or half full?” I use this proverbial phrase as a way to see life itself and how I should interpret each situation. I think it’s important to feel grateful for what we have but it is as important to know when to push for more. Optimism and pessimism, this expression gives a balance of the two. During my secondary years, I wasn’t able to see both sides, in fact, my perspective in life was more pessimistic. I felt the need to want more, and was unable to fully appreciate the things that I already have. I am a very well-rounded student, achieved above average grades and was very involved with my community but I never felt satisfied or proud of what I have and achieved. The reason being is that I never felt I was enough or have done enough. It was important for me to keep a certain reputation and maintain that reputation. Some say that it’s good to have high expectations for yourself but some might say that it’s very stressful and mentally draining. In all honesty, it was definitely stressful and mentally draining. Every time I have a setback, it took a huge toll in my mental state because I would feel I didn’t prepare enough or didn’t do my very best even if I did. I wasn’t a perfectionist but I wanted to be the best or even someone that anyone can look up to. I was afraid to fail, to make mistakes and be vulnerable in front of others. This mentality of being the best and maintaining that perfect reputation did affect me, especially when I started in my grade 11 year. I was swamped with school work and extracurricular activities, not even including my two other part time jobs.
Before I entered grade 11, I told myself that I needed to do more and be more. People around me kept advising me to start building a well-rounded profile for myself and I was so consumed with that idea that I needed to do way more than others and way more than I currently did which at the end, backfired. Not only did I had a huge setback with my academics, I also lost myself within this messy loop. I couldn’t balance my academics, my extracurricular activities and my two part-time jobs. I was lost for quite awhile. I did not like relying on others or asking help from others. I knew my friends and family were there to support me and they have also offered helpful advices but I didn’t take it. I was afraid of being weak or being seen as weak if I asked for help.
Grade 11 ended very rough and it was definitely something I never experienced but that summer, I took the initiative to do a self-reflection and rethink the way how I should act and see life. A quote that my father said to me clicked in my mind and it was, “God helps those who help themselves”. During the whole grade 11 year, I was reluctant to realize that I was wrong and that I needed help to fix my wrongdoings. The point is everyone was ready to help me but I wasn’t ready to realize that I needed help from others and that it was okay to ask for help. I was blinded by my own greed, educating myself and making myself look more marketable was my main objective and I was unable to appreciate or feel satisfied with what I had achieved and the support that I had all along. I couldn’t be more grateful with the setback in grade 11 because it helped me grow more as a person and helped me develop more of my own perspective in life and that is to be more flexible and being proud of making mistakes.
As I went into my last year of high school, I felt ready - ready to do great things and to fail. I wasn’t sure where I should go for my post secondary years but I was ready to change my old ways and being open to learn again. You’re never too old or too young to learn and that is what I did. I learned that I didn’t need to compare myself with others. The only person I should compare myself is myself and that helped me withdraw from my past self, to my current self. I felt more free and open with myself and others. I worked relentlessly hard with my academics to rebuild my academic profile. It was difficult and there were definitely times where I had mental breakdowns and where I was ready to give up. However, Rome is not built in a day and that was one of the phrases that motivated me to continue this journey. It took me awhile to build back what I had and other new things as well but I powered through it. Anything is possible when you want it and I wanted this.
It was the month of november, near midterms when I knew for sure I wanted to go into concurrent education (teachers college) for my post secondary years. I want to help others and I want other people to feel good when they make mistakes and that it doesn’t matter if you fail because you can learn more when you make mistakes like I did. I learned more after grade 11 and I still continue to learn from other people. I’m grateful for all these events that have occured in my life and also the people who were there for when I needed them the most. I want to continue this journey and spread this energy in my post secondary in hopes of becoming a teacher. I’m currently studying at Glendon in the concurrent education program and as of right now, I don’t regret a single choice or a single event that have occured.
“Is the glass half empty or half full?” It depends on the situation. I see the cup both empty and full and at times, neither. I still continue to strive more, more of self development and learning. At the same time, I am grateful and satisfied with the things I have, and know. You can only move forward when you’ve accepted and acknowledged the past. I don’t know what the future holds for me but whatever it is, I’m ready - ready to fight and to learn more.
Everyone has a story and this is my story - raw and honest.
Lots of Love,
Heidi 💜💜
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